I never played any cards, Adam-- you think I would've crawled outta Hell if the choice had been mine? [ no. cas knows as much too, knows how dean had felt unworthy of being raised from perdition. he's not about to have some snotty, half-brother tell him crap like this about it either. ]
You're angry, I fucking get it, but what makes you think we didn't feel like shit about knowin' where you were? What makes you think we didn't try to get you out, or that you doin' time is somehow okay with us-- with me?
Hell sucks, everyone knows that. But you're here now.
[You wanted a talk, Dean, here it is, ego-fueled and full of accusations and questions he's been holding onto like a lingering disease for far too long.]
You had years. [His tone goes quiet and steely.] You had years after what Sam did. Years after you and your angel got Sam out. How hard did you try to go back a second time, really? You gonna tell me you busted your ass day and night?
["Not hard enough" is what Adam had taken away from his conversations with Castiel. Not hard enough by a long shot. All Adam's ever heard from their side of the debate is the bleating of people who hadn't cared to put themselves on the line and just feel so gosh darn bad about it when they have to look him in eye now.
To answer his own question, Adam guesses Dean had been a dick before Hell. Being here now doesn't mean shit.]
You chose to say "no" to Michael. It should've been you, you know that, right? You and Sam.
[It should've Sam and Dean falling into that hole. They could've made their suicide play, could've been together forever like Romeo and Juliet Winchester just the way they'd wanted it. That's the truth.]
Years and no way, Adam. Cas might've yoinked Sam out, but he came back wrong. He wasn't even human when he came back.
[ but no, they hadn't busted their asses night and day, not when the world around them had been falling apart from other things only they could stop. the mess, their lives, had made pushing adam out of their thoughts easier. not that dean is proud of that. ]
It should've, but it wasn't. You were never supposed to get dragged into any of it-- how were we supposed to know they'd bring you back, that you'd...
Don't talk to me about humanity. [His tone is dead.] That's bull and you know it is.
[It's crap. Implying it's better to be broken inside the pit than broken outside of it? C'est la vie? It's crap.
Dean's forgetting that he'd had the choice all along. He's the one who'd decided you don't leave family behind... unless it's convenient to.]
You could've. And you didn't. But I'm sure you've been telling yourself something else this whole time. Not so fun when the guy you ditched can call you up on the phone like a bad horror movie, is it?
I don't know about you Adam, but this is a-- a second chance. [ he's not one to believe in those, not with how life has treated him and those he loves. but he has to say it, has to believe it for adam's sake. and because he wants it to be one. ]
So you can waste it being angry at me, and call me up as many times with these tantrums, but eventually you're gonna have to deal with the fact that I'm here, I messed up-- but I'm not gonna do it again.
[A third chance, doesn't he mean? A third chance that's no thanks to Dean or Sam Winchester.
Adam snorts, militant. Dean's still fooling himself, if this is what he thinks, but then Adam's started to see that that's what these people do. He's the only one seeing clearly, and yet he might just be the most hopeless one of all.]
A tantrum, Dean? You want to call you leaving me in there a tantrum? Was what you did in Hell a tantrum, too?
[He doesn't wait for an answer, just carries on like a battering ram.]
You will. Because you walked away. You did. But go on, let's have that talk if you still wanna have it. Tell me you messed up some more, or better yet, that you couldn't save me from myself and you made the right call, that I'm the one who has the problem, I've just got to get over it.
[The "right" call. Adam's sarcasm turns the word into something ugly. They talk so easily about the state of his soul like it's a case of a teenager simply being moody, like growing pains or a family feud, not what it is, which is that the fabric of his whole self is in agony.]
[ alright, so maybe that wasn't the best wording. it has dean cringing some, running a hand over his face as he collects his thoughts. it's been years since he's last dealt with an angry teenager, and honestly he's thinking he's lost his touch... if he had any to begin with. ]
I don't know what you want from me, Adam. I can't change it, and you know that. It ain't fair-- hell, nothing about our lives, past or present, is really fair, but I can't do anything about it. Not yet.
Maybe once... once we figure this mess out, with Wonderland, there'll be another choice.
[ one where adam gets to live and hell is just a bad, distant memory. ]
["None to begin with" sounds about right to Adam, mostly because he's not just some teenager with a chip on his shoulder, he's a human with feelings, he's a person, he's John's flesh and blood who'd been a sacrificial stand-in for the man on the other end of the line. And all the recompense he gets for being treated like something less than human are empty apologies? Insincere apologies?
What had he done to deserve being treated like garbage? It's sat heavy with him ever since the Winchesters' pet angel had told him the reason Sam had left the Cage is because they'd found a way to rescue Sam. No amount of time in Wonderland has lessened the sting of knowing he hadn't been worth enough to make a second pass for.]
I want you to know what you did--or didn't do. You left a person in that place and you just walked away. I was someone, and you don't get to just forget.
[Adam ignores the attempt at offering hope. What's done is done... and Sam and Dean deserve to burn for it. They don't deserve praise, or a happy ending, or a life.]
Did you even try to see if she was okay?
[He doesn't mean to, but before he can help himself the words come flying out of his mouth, hitting closer to home than he would like. He wants Dean to feel the guilt he's earned himself, but walking that line threatens to dredge up every ounce of old pain Adam's still lugging around. This is exactly why he hadn't wanted to have another talk with Dean the first time.]
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audio. :33
I never played any cards, Adam-- you think I would've crawled outta Hell if the choice had been mine? [ no. cas knows as much too, knows how dean had felt unworthy of being raised from perdition. he's not about to have some snotty, half-brother tell him crap like this about it either. ]
You're angry, I fucking get it, but what makes you think we didn't feel like shit about knowin' where you were? What makes you think we didn't try to get you out, or that you doin' time is somehow okay with us-- with me?
Hell sucks, everyone knows that. But you're here now.
audiooooo--!
You had years. [His tone goes quiet and steely.] You had years after what Sam did. Years after you and your angel got Sam out. How hard did you try to go back a second time, really? You gonna tell me you busted your ass day and night?
["Not hard enough" is what Adam had taken away from his conversations with Castiel. Not hard enough by a long shot. All Adam's ever heard from their side of the debate is the bleating of people who hadn't cared to put themselves on the line and just feel so gosh darn bad about it when they have to look him in eye now.
To answer his own question, Adam guesses Dean had been a dick before Hell. Being here now doesn't mean shit.]
You chose to say "no" to Michael. It should've been you, you know that, right? You and Sam.
[It should've Sam and Dean falling into that hole. They could've made their suicide play, could've been together forever like Romeo and Juliet Winchester just the way they'd wanted it. That's the truth.]
audiooooo--!
[ but no, they hadn't busted their asses night and day, not when the world around them had been falling apart from other things only they could stop. the mess, their lives, had made pushing adam out of their thoughts easier. not that dean is proud of that. ]
It should've, but it wasn't. You were never supposed to get dragged into any of it-- how were we supposed to know they'd bring you back, that you'd...
[ agree to their methods. fucking angels. ]
I'd go back and change it if I could.
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[It's crap. Implying it's better to be broken inside the pit than broken outside of it? C'est la vie? It's crap.
Dean's forgetting that he'd had the choice all along. He's the one who'd decided you don't leave family behind... unless it's convenient to.]
You could've. And you didn't. But I'm sure you've been telling yourself something else this whole time. Not so fun when the guy you ditched can call you up on the phone like a bad horror movie, is it?
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I don't know about you Adam, but this is a-- a second chance. [ he's not one to believe in those, not with how life has treated him and those he loves. but he has to say it, has to believe it for adam's sake. and because he wants it to be one. ]
So you can waste it being angry at me, and call me up as many times with these tantrums, but eventually you're gonna have to deal with the fact that I'm here, I messed up-- but I'm not gonna do it again.
no subject
Adam snorts, militant. Dean's still fooling himself, if this is what he thinks, but then Adam's started to see that that's what these people do. He's the only one seeing clearly, and yet he might just be the most hopeless one of all.]
A tantrum, Dean? You want to call you leaving me in there a tantrum? Was what you did in Hell a tantrum, too?
[He doesn't wait for an answer, just carries on like a battering ram.]
You will. Because you walked away. You did. But go on, let's have that talk if you still wanna have it. Tell me you messed up some more, or better yet, that you couldn't save me from myself and you made the right call, that I'm the one who has the problem, I've just got to get over it.
[The "right" call. Adam's sarcasm turns the word into something ugly. They talk so easily about the state of his soul like it's a case of a teenager simply being moody, like growing pains or a family feud, not what it is, which is that the fabric of his whole self is in agony.]
no subject
I don't know what you want from me, Adam. I can't change it, and you know that. It ain't fair-- hell, nothing about our lives, past or present, is really fair, but I can't do anything about it. Not yet.
Maybe once... once we figure this mess out, with Wonderland, there'll be another choice.
[ one where adam gets to live and hell is just a bad, distant memory. ]
no subject
What had he done to deserve being treated like garbage? It's sat heavy with him ever since the Winchesters' pet angel had told him the reason Sam had left the Cage is because they'd found a way to rescue Sam. No amount of time in Wonderland has lessened the sting of knowing he hadn't been worth enough to make a second pass for.]
I want you to know what you did--or didn't do. You left a person in that place and you just walked away. I was someone, and you don't get to just forget.
[Adam ignores the attempt at offering hope. What's done is done... and Sam and Dean deserve to burn for it. They don't deserve praise, or a happy ending, or a life.]
Did you even try to see if she was okay?
[He doesn't mean to, but before he can help himself the words come flying out of his mouth, hitting closer to home than he would like. He wants Dean to feel the guilt he's earned himself, but walking that line threatens to dredge up every ounce of old pain Adam's still lugging around. This is exactly why he hadn't wanted to have another talk with Dean the first time.]