[ Sam, not exactly expecting the fist, staggers backward at it. Though he'd been seated it nearly unseats him and he reels backward momentarily, face stinging with the hit. He stays where he is for a long moment, face reddening, staring sideways where he'd landed after the blow. Finally, he turns back to Dean, expression relatively unchanged, if slightly more deflated than earlier. ]
I know you did. [ Sam knows how hard his brother works to keep him safe, how that's what it's always been about, and he can't blame Dean for that. John had practically drilled in his son's head that protecting his younger brother was the top of the list, no matter the expense.
This is the problem, Sam thinks. ]
My life isn't worth more than everyone else's, Dean. I know all you've ever done, that you're still trying to do, is keep me safe, but--
[ The angry mark on his face throbs slightly and he raises a hand to it, unsure of what to say. ]
... I think you'd be better off without me around. You've said it before yourself, and I think you were right.
[ it's the look up, even after dean throws the punch, that hurts more than anything. the unchanging expression, the same defeat he finds when he'd hoped a punch would somehow set right the pieces that have so clearly been disturbed. that sam would find that fire again, realize he's giving up when there's not need to.
not yet.
but no, instead he gets more about how he's not worth more than anyone else, and dean can't listen to it. ]
You're wrong. You're so wrong-- I'm not, not here, not back home.
[ he needs sam, needs him by his side. and if not there, then he needs to know he's at least alive and breathing, somewhere well in the world.
but not dead, never dead. ]
I'll find a way back, we'll go home together, and-- I'll fix this, Sam, okay? I'll fix everything, I won't let any of it get this bad, just don't give up. You'll be alright, you won't have to die to be alright, 'cause I'll set it right. Somehow.
You don't know that. [ Because neither of them have ever done especially well on their own, and even if they start to, then something bad comes along like a wrecking ball to stone and knocks it down again.
Sam rubs idly at his face, where it stings an angry red, and is quiet for a while. ]
You can't fix everything, Dean. [ He's referring mainly to himself, because, of course, he wants his brother to have a happy, normal life. The same way that Dean had wanted that for him. ] I'm not giving up; I told you this for a reason. I just--
[ "Wanted you to realize we've got something good here." And maybe he would, before too long. Before things got too bad. ]
It's that kind of talk that got an angel behind the wheel in the first place. [ He says very quietly, eyes still averted. ] Whatever happens, whatever you decide to do-- Don't let it come to that again. To... to deals with angels and demons. Alright?
[ yes you are he wants to say. yes, sam is giving up, wanting to die when he doesn't have to-- that's giving up. dean knows the feeling, he's been there before, too, but he can't stand it from sam, not at all. it hurts him to see him like this, so bleak and only a shade of the brother dean knows.
if anything, it makes the determination to keep sam alive at any cost burn brighter. there might be suffering involved, but sooner or later a day will come where sam will... thank him, or at least see, that living was the right option.
it has to, or otherwise what's the fucking point in all of this? ]
But I want you safe. And safe means alive.
[ and sometimes alive means deals with demons, and in the future apparently angels.
he can't make a promise it won't come to that again. ]
Alive isn't the same as having Gadreel ride shotgun without me knowing it. And it isn't letting Crowley in, too, to fix the problem.
[ He looks up again, eyes bright with the angst of it all, heart heavy from trying and failing to get his brother to understand. ]
I know you've always looked out for me. I just-- That's not living, Dean. Doing anything to keep me breathing isn't for me, it's for you.
[ He'd said it before: you can't stand to be alone. And though he doesn't, can't fault Dean for it when it's more less all the guy's ever known, that isn't stopping Sam from saying it. ]
I don't want that. And you've gotta know, it isn't right. For either of us.
No, you're wrong-- [ no he's not, dean can't stand the idea of not having sam in his life, of knowing his brother is dead. and yet. ] -- it's for both of us.
[ they're a team, right? the winchester brothers, hunters and a partners in all things supernatural. how can any of that work if one half is missing? it's not something dean wants to think about, has him shaking his head to throw the thought. ]
[ Sam knows that nothing is going to change. Not now. He can't make Dean see-- Dean can't make himself see, can't change years and years of hard wiring. The younger Winchester swallows more words of contradiction, of what he believes to be the hard truth, and just drops his gaze again. He'll lie and agree, but he won't do it to his brother's face. Not this time. ]
Alright. [ That's it, the one word of surrender. For now. ] We'll see what happens, I guess.
[ But he wouldn't let another angel or demon jump into his skin. Never again, if he could help it, for any reason. ]
That's all I had to say; now you know everything I do.
[ dean doesn't feel like things are alright. hell, he feels shittier than he did before about the future now, about everything that's going on. this place-- it's not getting any better, and neither is the tension and strain between himself and sam.
a pause, and dean sighs with his question; ]
Are you sure?
[ he has to ask. if only because the last thing he needs is sam coming to him again, explaining to him again how he'd wanted to share more but the timing or whatever had been off. right now he just wants it all on the table, every shitty little detail no matter how bad it might be. ]
I don't want more surprises later.
[ because there will be nothing to prove if it comes down to this again. ]
[ but sometimes it's the only way he wants to say. his lies are always to keep sam safe, not to hurt him. yet it sounds like they end up doing exactly that in the future, because of this gadreel fella, and the trials.
dean still doesn't know what to do. what to promise, if anything. ]
Right.
[ he's turning away from sam then, can't look at him with the endless amounts of defeat rolling from his brother. his voice drops to a grumble. ]
Can tell you one thing; that angel ever shows his face here, I'm endin' him.
Not if I get to him first. [ There's the ghost of a smile present as he raises his eyebrows at Dean, imagining what it'd be like if Gadreel did show up. Sam would recognize him first (after Crowley... Cas, too, maybe) and would, without question, shank the bastard with an angel blade. First, he'd need an angel blade. Details. ] Metatron, too.
[ Crowley, too, Sam thinks. And Lilith. Maybe Ruby. Definitely Dick. ]
We both will. It'll just take time. [ Gadreel's smart, and so is Metatron. They'd have to be careful. ] ... Just as long as there aren't any more casualties.
[ Meaning he can leave, since, really, nothing is good. Sam considers the floor for a long moment, unsure of how exactly to wrap up this less-than-fun conversation. ]
[ soon, right. dean doesn't think he'll seek sam out for a little bit-- he could use the space, put together everything he's finally learned here. and something tells him sam won't either.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
action; leave me to die
I know you did. [ Sam knows how hard his brother works to keep him safe, how that's what it's always been about, and he can't blame Dean for that. John had practically drilled in his son's head that protecting his younger brother was the top of the list, no matter the expense.
This is the problem, Sam thinks. ]
My life isn't worth more than everyone else's, Dean. I know all you've ever done, that you're still trying to do, is keep me safe, but--
[ The angry mark on his face throbs slightly and he raises a hand to it, unsure of what to say. ]
... I think you'd be better off without me around. You've said it before yourself, and I think you were right.
action; we'll die togetherrr
not yet.
but no, instead he gets more about how he's not worth more than anyone else, and dean can't listen to it. ]
You're wrong. You're so wrong-- I'm not, not here, not back home.
[ he needs sam, needs him by his side. and if not there, then he needs to know he's at least alive and breathing, somewhere well in the world.
but not dead, never dead. ]
I'll find a way back, we'll go home together, and-- I'll fix this, Sam, okay? I'll fix everything, I won't let any of it get this bad, just don't give up. You'll be alright, you won't have to die to be alright, 'cause I'll set it right. Somehow.
action;
Sam rubs idly at his face, where it stings an angry red, and is quiet for a while. ]
You can't fix everything, Dean. [ He's referring mainly to himself, because, of course, he wants his brother to have a happy, normal life. The same way that Dean had wanted that for him. ] I'm not giving up; I told you this for a reason. I just--
[ "Wanted you to realize we've got something good here." And maybe he would, before too long. Before things got too bad. ]
It's that kind of talk that got an angel behind the wheel in the first place. [ He says very quietly, eyes still averted. ] Whatever happens, whatever you decide to do-- Don't let it come to that again. To... to deals with angels and demons. Alright?
action;
if anything, it makes the determination to keep sam alive at any cost burn brighter. there might be suffering involved, but sooner or later a day will come where sam will... thank him, or at least see, that living was the right option.
it has to, or otherwise what's the fucking point in all of this? ]
But I want you safe. And safe means alive.
[ and sometimes alive means deals with demons, and in the future apparently angels.
he can't make a promise it won't come to that again. ]
action;
[ He looks up again, eyes bright with the angst of it all, heart heavy from trying and failing to get his brother to understand. ]
I know you've always looked out for me. I just-- That's not living, Dean. Doing anything to keep me breathing isn't for me, it's for you.
[ He'd said it before: you can't stand to be alone. And though he doesn't, can't fault Dean for it when it's more less all the guy's ever known, that isn't stopping Sam from saying it. ]
I don't want that. And you've gotta know, it isn't right. For either of us.
action;
No, you're wrong-- [ no he's not, dean can't stand the idea of not having sam in his life, of knowing his brother is dead. and yet. ] -- it's for both of us.
[ they're a team, right? the winchester brothers, hunters and a partners in all things supernatural. how can any of that work if one half is missing? it's not something dean wants to think about, has him shaking his head to throw the thought. ]
You're wrong, just-- let me prove that you, man.
[ sorry sam, he ain't hearing you. ]
action;
Alright. [ That's it, the one word of surrender. For now. ] We'll see what happens, I guess.
[ But he wouldn't let another angel or demon jump into his skin. Never again, if he could help it, for any reason. ]
That's all I had to say; now you know everything I do.
action;
a pause, and dean sighs with his question; ]
Are you sure?
[ he has to ask. if only because the last thing he needs is sam coming to him again, explaining to him again how he'd wanted to share more but the timing or whatever had been off. right now he just wants it all on the table, every shitty little detail no matter how bad it might be. ]
I don't want more surprises later.
[ because there will be nothing to prove if it comes down to this again. ]
action;
[ This time he is being honest, not that it had done him much good. ]
Just-- No more of this make a decision and lie about it crap. It's been too long, dude, and that's never worked out for either of us.
[ Sam's done it too, of course, he would never deny that. ]
action;
dean still doesn't know what to do. what to promise, if anything. ]
Right.
[ he's turning away from sam then, can't look at him with the endless amounts of defeat rolling from his brother. his voice drops to a grumble. ]
Can tell you one thing; that angel ever shows his face here, I'm endin' him.
action;
action;
I'm sure we'll-- you'll get them in the end. [ you just have to be around, you know, alive and kicking for that. ]
action;
We both will. It'll just take time. [ Gadreel's smart, and so is Metatron. They'd have to be careful. ] ... Just as long as there aren't any more casualties.
action;
Right, 'course. [ his words don't sound so sure, not when his eyes linger for a second or two on the harsh red skin on the side of sam's face. ]
But listen, if there's nothing else...
[ he'll just escape...pls... ]
action;
[ Meaning he can leave, since, really, nothing is good. Sam considers the floor for a long moment, unsure of how exactly to wrap up this less-than-fun conversation. ]
I'll see you soon, alright?
action;
[ soon, right. dean doesn't think he'll seek sam out for a little bit-- he could use the space, put together everything he's finally learned here. and something tells him sam won't either.
but sure. soon.
dean leaves without another word. ]