[ Sam's there before too long, opened the door wide for Dean to come in. He just nods once before moving aside, letting his brother walk past before shutting the door with a snap and returning to where he sits, leaning forward, hands folded out over his lap.
This is it. After their last conversation, he'd realized not telling Dean had been just as bad, if not worse, than Dean knowing. Cas had been right, of course, and though Sam had made both Castiel and Crowley swear not to tell... well, here he was, doing that exact thing. ]
... There're a few things I didn't tell you when you first got here. [ He shifts, brows knit intently, bracing for the oncoming storm. ] Because you had enough to deal with and I didn't want to talk about it.
[ His expression speaks to his absolute exhaustion, more than anything else. Sam eyes his brother with something hard to read. Something tired and lined with defeat. ]
When I said Metatron was a liar, it's because he didn't tell us ahead of time that the last trial would end up killing me. That's how it started.
[ stepping inside, dean only spares sam's room a short look before his focus is entirely on his brother. whatever this is about, it's serious. and what sam says first is enough proof of that -- there're a few things i didn't tell you when you first got here -- and of course there were, the words alone something that threaten to spark anger in him.
but instead, dean just listens for once. well, for a moment anyway.
withholding information is one thing, but not telling him about the end result of the trials? now there's a reason for dean to step closer, voice snapping. ]
Wait, you would've died? [ to think they'd tried to finish something which would take sam's life. to think-- but another thought cuts him off, one chilling him to the bone even when he asks; ] But you're-- you're alive, right? Back home? You're not...
[ please tell him you're not dead back home. don't tell him that's why you don't want to go back. ]
Would've been. You talked me out of finishing the trials, and then... out of going with Dean.
[ Sam wonders how old, how tired he must seem to Dean. The younger brother who'd believed the best in everyone, who thought he could have a normal life, who fought so hard for it all died a lot time ago. Was torn apart in Hell, probably. ]
We're both alive. You made a deal with someone to get me healthy again.
[ A deal. The magic, dreaded words. He eyes Dean through a heavy gaze, knowing that his brother knows the implication of what making a deal might mean for one or both of them. ]
You got me to say yes to an angel. And didn't tell me about it.
even dean knows making deals, for sam, is bad. he would-- even now, he would do it again. he'd go right back to hell to save sam, would endure years and years under the blade to make sure sam would be alright. but the words still bunch up dread in him, have him going entirely still as he just listens.
and it only gets worse. ]
I made you... [ he'd tricked sam to save him. betrayed his trust, but to save him. there's guilt bubbling in his gut, even if he hasn't done any of this yet, but dean shoves it aside, looks at sam sharply. ]
But it-- it saved you, right? You're okay.
[ because if so, then he'd do it again, right now. ]
I'm okay in that the angel ended up working for Metatron. Killed Kevin, almost got to you, and then skipped out in my body. Only ditched once Crowley stepped in to help us out.
[ They'll never see eye to eye on this, not in this universe or at home. Sam knows deep down that this conversation will be just like the others. That they'll end up fighting, not speaking, and he'll be just as alone as before.
It seems inevitable. ]
I didn't tell you because you didn't understand, [ Sam mutters, eyes dropped down. ] and because you're not gonna understand now.
[ sam's right, dean doesn't understand. he has no idea what to do with anything sam says, from the part about kevin being fucking dead to them only figuring how to banish the angel thanks to crowley.
it's too much, leaves dean standing there to just stare at at his brother. ]
You're sayin'... You're telling me Kevin is dead? And it's all because I let some feathery douchebag jump your skin?
[ fingers curl into fists at his sides, have him standing there trying to make some sort of sense of it all. and failing rather badly. ]
You should've told me, Sam. You had no right to keep this shit from me.
He's dead because he's a douche. You let him in because you didn't want to let me die.
[ Again. He sets his jaw, preparing for the inevitable fight. ]
I'm telling you now. I wasn't gonna say anything at all. And-- right? You told me I should keep living for a reason, that there was something to hold onto. You know what? There wasn't. I was done, I was ready to get out, and I know you think you're doing the right thing, but--
[ Sam just shakes his head, at a loss for words. ]
I was done, Dean. I could've just ended it and saved a lot of people closing the gates of Hell. Stopping me from the Trials didn't even keep me alive. The whole thing was friggin' pointless.
dean never wants to hear those words from sam, not back home, not here. he knows this life, hunting, the apocalypse, hell, everything-- he knows it's taken a toll on both of them, but to hear that sam would rather bow out entirely, that he'd die to put an end to it all?
dean doesn't know what to do with that, only that it shoots something freezing cold right through him and he can't even begin to think of life without sam.
his voice is quiet, lacks the strength and bite it usually holds. still, there's a sting to it, even if it's slight. ]
...So what? I should've... I should've let you die? Just like that? Nod and smile, give a thumbs up and let you go? Is that what you want to hear? [ and then with something more ferocious, something angry; ]
Well, I can't, Sam. I haven't even lived to that point yet, but I can't just let you die. What's that gonna fix? How's that gonna-- that's not solving anything.
[ Usually, Sam's too tired for this kind of stuff. Too busy, too focused on small things like cases and Men of Letters stuff and all the reading and research that would have to go into those things. Right now, though, he's wrapped up in the grief of feeling broken apart from the people he's closest with and doesn't know how to handle it. He'd thought Wonderland to be their sanctuary, or whatever, at least as long as they had it.
Even that seemed to be breaking down in front of him, with every new word... ]
You already let me, Dean! You told me I could jump in the pit to stop Lucifer, that I could make my own decisions-- how is this any worse? I came up with that plan and spent all that time in the Cage for it; I'd do it again, but I know for a fact that just dying is like a gift compared to that whole experience.
[ He looks up at Dean with deepening desperation; if they can't agree, he just wants his brother to understand. He hadn't mentioned Gadreel and the Trials to prevent this from happening, and it'd come crashing down anyway. Would have, one way or another. ]
It would've fixed a lot of wrong, saved a lot of people. I know you're doing what you've always done, keeping me safe, but-- Jesus, Dean, I'm not gonna live forever.
[ There it is. After everything, after all their unnatural deaths-- Well, it's true, isn't it? They're just human, after all. ]
... You had a normal life back then. I was the one who showed up and sent that off the tracks.
[ Soul or not, it had been Sam who'd brought Dean back into the game. ]
[ it's true, he had let sam die once already to save the world. but if there's anything that year with lisa and ben had proved to him, it's that he can't have the apple pie life, that he isn't meant for it. that he can't exist knowing his brother is forever stuck in hell while he gets everything the both of them always dreamed of.
it's all so simple now, that he can look back on it.
but i know for a fact that just dying is like a gift--
his fists clench at his sides and the rest of what sam says is a blur, just a mumbled mess of things he doesn't want to hear, never thought he would from sam. it was never meant to get this bad, for their life to take this turn where sam would rather choose death over fighting the good fight. hadn't he been the optimistic one, at some point? what happened?
but never mind that, because dean's lashing out in the next minute, and in the only way he knows how. sam is-- he looks so frail, so defeated, yet it does nothing to stop the fist he sends right in his brother's face.
it's only when his knuckles sting and fire floods his veins that dean manages to bark out the next words. ]
Don't ever say that.
[ any of it. just-- don't.
he doesn't know what he's doing, doesn't know how to handle anything sam is telling him. it's too much and he can't-- deal with this right now. ]
I was fightin' tooth and nail to get back to you, just for you to-- [ want to die. ]
[ Sam, not exactly expecting the fist, staggers backward at it. Though he'd been seated it nearly unseats him and he reels backward momentarily, face stinging with the hit. He stays where he is for a long moment, face reddening, staring sideways where he'd landed after the blow. Finally, he turns back to Dean, expression relatively unchanged, if slightly more deflated than earlier. ]
I know you did. [ Sam knows how hard his brother works to keep him safe, how that's what it's always been about, and he can't blame Dean for that. John had practically drilled in his son's head that protecting his younger brother was the top of the list, no matter the expense.
This is the problem, Sam thinks. ]
My life isn't worth more than everyone else's, Dean. I know all you've ever done, that you're still trying to do, is keep me safe, but--
[ The angry mark on his face throbs slightly and he raises a hand to it, unsure of what to say. ]
... I think you'd be better off without me around. You've said it before yourself, and I think you were right.
[ it's the look up, even after dean throws the punch, that hurts more than anything. the unchanging expression, the same defeat he finds when he'd hoped a punch would somehow set right the pieces that have so clearly been disturbed. that sam would find that fire again, realize he's giving up when there's not need to.
not yet.
but no, instead he gets more about how he's not worth more than anyone else, and dean can't listen to it. ]
You're wrong. You're so wrong-- I'm not, not here, not back home.
[ he needs sam, needs him by his side. and if not there, then he needs to know he's at least alive and breathing, somewhere well in the world.
but not dead, never dead. ]
I'll find a way back, we'll go home together, and-- I'll fix this, Sam, okay? I'll fix everything, I won't let any of it get this bad, just don't give up. You'll be alright, you won't have to die to be alright, 'cause I'll set it right. Somehow.
You don't know that. [ Because neither of them have ever done especially well on their own, and even if they start to, then something bad comes along like a wrecking ball to stone and knocks it down again.
Sam rubs idly at his face, where it stings an angry red, and is quiet for a while. ]
You can't fix everything, Dean. [ He's referring mainly to himself, because, of course, he wants his brother to have a happy, normal life. The same way that Dean had wanted that for him. ] I'm not giving up; I told you this for a reason. I just--
[ "Wanted you to realize we've got something good here." And maybe he would, before too long. Before things got too bad. ]
It's that kind of talk that got an angel behind the wheel in the first place. [ He says very quietly, eyes still averted. ] Whatever happens, whatever you decide to do-- Don't let it come to that again. To... to deals with angels and demons. Alright?
[ yes you are he wants to say. yes, sam is giving up, wanting to die when he doesn't have to-- that's giving up. dean knows the feeling, he's been there before, too, but he can't stand it from sam, not at all. it hurts him to see him like this, so bleak and only a shade of the brother dean knows.
if anything, it makes the determination to keep sam alive at any cost burn brighter. there might be suffering involved, but sooner or later a day will come where sam will... thank him, or at least see, that living was the right option.
it has to, or otherwise what's the fucking point in all of this? ]
But I want you safe. And safe means alive.
[ and sometimes alive means deals with demons, and in the future apparently angels.
he can't make a promise it won't come to that again. ]
Alive isn't the same as having Gadreel ride shotgun without me knowing it. And it isn't letting Crowley in, too, to fix the problem.
[ He looks up again, eyes bright with the angst of it all, heart heavy from trying and failing to get his brother to understand. ]
I know you've always looked out for me. I just-- That's not living, Dean. Doing anything to keep me breathing isn't for me, it's for you.
[ He'd said it before: you can't stand to be alone. And though he doesn't, can't fault Dean for it when it's more less all the guy's ever known, that isn't stopping Sam from saying it. ]
I don't want that. And you've gotta know, it isn't right. For either of us.
No, you're wrong-- [ no he's not, dean can't stand the idea of not having sam in his life, of knowing his brother is dead. and yet. ] -- it's for both of us.
[ they're a team, right? the winchester brothers, hunters and a partners in all things supernatural. how can any of that work if one half is missing? it's not something dean wants to think about, has him shaking his head to throw the thought. ]
[ Sam knows that nothing is going to change. Not now. He can't make Dean see-- Dean can't make himself see, can't change years and years of hard wiring. The younger Winchester swallows more words of contradiction, of what he believes to be the hard truth, and just drops his gaze again. He'll lie and agree, but he won't do it to his brother's face. Not this time. ]
Alright. [ That's it, the one word of surrender. For now. ] We'll see what happens, I guess.
[ But he wouldn't let another angel or demon jump into his skin. Never again, if he could help it, for any reason. ]
That's all I had to say; now you know everything I do.
[ dean doesn't feel like things are alright. hell, he feels shittier than he did before about the future now, about everything that's going on. this place-- it's not getting any better, and neither is the tension and strain between himself and sam.
a pause, and dean sighs with his question; ]
Are you sure?
[ he has to ask. if only because the last thing he needs is sam coming to him again, explaining to him again how he'd wanted to share more but the timing or whatever had been off. right now he just wants it all on the table, every shitty little detail no matter how bad it might be. ]
I don't want more surprises later.
[ because there will be nothing to prove if it comes down to this again. ]
[ but sometimes it's the only way he wants to say. his lies are always to keep sam safe, not to hurt him. yet it sounds like they end up doing exactly that in the future, because of this gadreel fella, and the trials.
dean still doesn't know what to do. what to promise, if anything. ]
Right.
[ he's turning away from sam then, can't look at him with the endless amounts of defeat rolling from his brother. his voice drops to a grumble. ]
Can tell you one thing; that angel ever shows his face here, I'm endin' him.
Not if I get to him first. [ There's the ghost of a smile present as he raises his eyebrows at Dean, imagining what it'd be like if Gadreel did show up. Sam would recognize him first (after Crowley... Cas, too, maybe) and would, without question, shank the bastard with an angel blade. First, he'd need an angel blade. Details. ] Metatron, too.
[ Crowley, too, Sam thinks. And Lilith. Maybe Ruby. Definitely Dick. ]
We both will. It'll just take time. [ Gadreel's smart, and so is Metatron. They'd have to be careful. ] ... Just as long as there aren't any more casualties.
[ Meaning he can leave, since, really, nothing is good. Sam considers the floor for a long moment, unsure of how exactly to wrap up this less-than-fun conversation. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
action;
This is it. After their last conversation, he'd realized not telling Dean had been just as bad, if not worse, than Dean knowing. Cas had been right, of course, and though Sam had made both Castiel and Crowley swear not to tell... well, here he was, doing that exact thing. ]
... There're a few things I didn't tell you when you first got here. [ He shifts, brows knit intently, bracing for the oncoming storm. ] Because you had enough to deal with and I didn't want to talk about it.
[ His expression speaks to his absolute exhaustion, more than anything else. Sam eyes his brother with something hard to read. Something tired and lined with defeat. ]
When I said Metatron was a liar, it's because he didn't tell us ahead of time that the last trial would end up killing me. That's how it started.
action;
but instead, dean just listens for once. well, for a moment anyway.
withholding information is one thing, but not telling him about the end result of the trials? now there's a reason for dean to step closer, voice snapping. ]
Wait, you would've died? [ to think they'd tried to finish something which would take sam's life. to think-- but another thought cuts him off, one chilling him to the bone even when he asks; ] But you're-- you're alive, right? Back home? You're not...
[ please tell him you're not dead back home. don't tell him that's why you don't want to go back. ]
action;
[ Sam wonders how old, how tired he must seem to Dean. The younger brother who'd believed the best in everyone, who thought he could have a normal life, who fought so hard for it all died a lot time ago. Was torn apart in Hell, probably. ]
We're both alive. You made a deal with someone to get me healthy again.
[ A deal. The magic, dreaded words. He eyes Dean through a heavy gaze, knowing that his brother knows the implication of what making a deal might mean for one or both of them. ]
You got me to say yes to an angel. And didn't tell me about it.
action;
even dean knows making deals, for sam, is bad. he would-- even now, he would do it again. he'd go right back to hell to save sam, would endure years and years under the blade to make sure sam would be alright. but the words still bunch up dread in him, have him going entirely still as he just listens.
and it only gets worse. ]
I made you... [ he'd tricked sam to save him. betrayed his trust, but to save him. there's guilt bubbling in his gut, even if he hasn't done any of this yet, but dean shoves it aside, looks at sam sharply. ]
But it-- it saved you, right? You're okay.
[ because if so, then he'd do it again, right now. ]
action;
[ They'll never see eye to eye on this, not in this universe or at home. Sam knows deep down that this conversation will be just like the others. That they'll end up fighting, not speaking, and he'll be just as alone as before.
It seems inevitable. ]
I didn't tell you because you didn't understand, [ Sam mutters, eyes dropped down. ] and because you're not gonna understand now.
action;
it's too much, leaves dean standing there to just stare at at his brother. ]
You're sayin'... You're telling me Kevin is dead? And it's all because I let some feathery douchebag jump your skin?
[ fingers curl into fists at his sides, have him standing there trying to make some sort of sense of it all. and failing rather badly. ]
You should've told me, Sam. You had no right to keep this shit from me.
action;
[ Again. He sets his jaw, preparing for the inevitable fight. ]
I'm telling you now. I wasn't gonna say anything at all. And-- right? You told me I should keep living for a reason, that there was something to hold onto. You know what? There wasn't. I was done, I was ready to get out, and I know you think you're doing the right thing, but--
[ Sam just shakes his head, at a loss for words. ]
I was done, Dean. I could've just ended it and saved a lot of people closing the gates of Hell. Stopping me from the Trials didn't even keep me alive. The whole thing was friggin' pointless.
action;
i was done
dean never wants to hear those words from sam, not back home, not here. he knows this life, hunting, the apocalypse, hell, everything-- he knows it's taken a toll on both of them, but to hear that sam would rather bow out entirely, that he'd die to put an end to it all?
dean doesn't know what to do with that, only that it shoots something freezing cold right through him and he can't even begin to think of life without sam.
his voice is quiet, lacks the strength and bite it usually holds. still, there's a sting to it, even if it's slight. ]
...So what? I should've... I should've let you die? Just like that? Nod and smile, give a thumbs up and let you go? Is that what you want to hear? [ and then with something more ferocious, something angry; ]
Well, I can't, Sam. I haven't even lived to that point yet, but I can't just let you die. What's that gonna fix? How's that gonna-- that's not solving anything.
action;
Even that seemed to be breaking down in front of him, with every new word... ]
You already let me, Dean! You told me I could jump in the pit to stop Lucifer, that I could make my own decisions-- how is this any worse? I came up with that plan and spent all that time in the Cage for it; I'd do it again, but I know for a fact that just dying is like a gift compared to that whole experience.
[ He looks up at Dean with deepening desperation; if they can't agree, he just wants his brother to understand. He hadn't mentioned Gadreel and the Trials to prevent this from happening, and it'd come crashing down anyway. Would have, one way or another. ]
It would've fixed a lot of wrong, saved a lot of people. I know you're doing what you've always done, keeping me safe, but-- Jesus, Dean, I'm not gonna live forever.
[ There it is. After everything, after all their unnatural deaths-- Well, it's true, isn't it? They're just human, after all. ]
... You had a normal life back then. I was the one who showed up and sent that off the tracks.
[ Soul or not, it had been Sam who'd brought Dean back into the game. ]
action; I'M SO SORRY
it's all so simple now, that he can look back on it.
but i know for a fact that just dying is like a gift--
his fists clench at his sides and the rest of what sam says is a blur, just a mumbled mess of things he doesn't want to hear, never thought he would from sam. it was never meant to get this bad, for their life to take this turn where sam would rather choose death over fighting the good fight. hadn't he been the optimistic one, at some point? what happened?
but never mind that, because dean's lashing out in the next minute, and in the only way he knows how. sam is-- he looks so frail, so defeated, yet it does nothing to stop the fist he sends right in his brother's face.
it's only when his knuckles sting and fire floods his veins that dean manages to bark out the next words. ]
Don't ever say that.
[ any of it. just-- don't.
he doesn't know what he's doing, doesn't know how to handle anything sam is telling him. it's too much and he can't-- deal with this right now. ]
I was fightin' tooth and nail to get back to you, just for you to-- [ want to die. ]
action; leave me to die
I know you did. [ Sam knows how hard his brother works to keep him safe, how that's what it's always been about, and he can't blame Dean for that. John had practically drilled in his son's head that protecting his younger brother was the top of the list, no matter the expense.
This is the problem, Sam thinks. ]
My life isn't worth more than everyone else's, Dean. I know all you've ever done, that you're still trying to do, is keep me safe, but--
[ The angry mark on his face throbs slightly and he raises a hand to it, unsure of what to say. ]
... I think you'd be better off without me around. You've said it before yourself, and I think you were right.
action; we'll die togetherrr
not yet.
but no, instead he gets more about how he's not worth more than anyone else, and dean can't listen to it. ]
You're wrong. You're so wrong-- I'm not, not here, not back home.
[ he needs sam, needs him by his side. and if not there, then he needs to know he's at least alive and breathing, somewhere well in the world.
but not dead, never dead. ]
I'll find a way back, we'll go home together, and-- I'll fix this, Sam, okay? I'll fix everything, I won't let any of it get this bad, just don't give up. You'll be alright, you won't have to die to be alright, 'cause I'll set it right. Somehow.
action;
Sam rubs idly at his face, where it stings an angry red, and is quiet for a while. ]
You can't fix everything, Dean. [ He's referring mainly to himself, because, of course, he wants his brother to have a happy, normal life. The same way that Dean had wanted that for him. ] I'm not giving up; I told you this for a reason. I just--
[ "Wanted you to realize we've got something good here." And maybe he would, before too long. Before things got too bad. ]
It's that kind of talk that got an angel behind the wheel in the first place. [ He says very quietly, eyes still averted. ] Whatever happens, whatever you decide to do-- Don't let it come to that again. To... to deals with angels and demons. Alright?
action;
if anything, it makes the determination to keep sam alive at any cost burn brighter. there might be suffering involved, but sooner or later a day will come where sam will... thank him, or at least see, that living was the right option.
it has to, or otherwise what's the fucking point in all of this? ]
But I want you safe. And safe means alive.
[ and sometimes alive means deals with demons, and in the future apparently angels.
he can't make a promise it won't come to that again. ]
action;
[ He looks up again, eyes bright with the angst of it all, heart heavy from trying and failing to get his brother to understand. ]
I know you've always looked out for me. I just-- That's not living, Dean. Doing anything to keep me breathing isn't for me, it's for you.
[ He'd said it before: you can't stand to be alone. And though he doesn't, can't fault Dean for it when it's more less all the guy's ever known, that isn't stopping Sam from saying it. ]
I don't want that. And you've gotta know, it isn't right. For either of us.
action;
No, you're wrong-- [ no he's not, dean can't stand the idea of not having sam in his life, of knowing his brother is dead. and yet. ] -- it's for both of us.
[ they're a team, right? the winchester brothers, hunters and a partners in all things supernatural. how can any of that work if one half is missing? it's not something dean wants to think about, has him shaking his head to throw the thought. ]
You're wrong, just-- let me prove that you, man.
[ sorry sam, he ain't hearing you. ]
action;
Alright. [ That's it, the one word of surrender. For now. ] We'll see what happens, I guess.
[ But he wouldn't let another angel or demon jump into his skin. Never again, if he could help it, for any reason. ]
That's all I had to say; now you know everything I do.
action;
a pause, and dean sighs with his question; ]
Are you sure?
[ he has to ask. if only because the last thing he needs is sam coming to him again, explaining to him again how he'd wanted to share more but the timing or whatever had been off. right now he just wants it all on the table, every shitty little detail no matter how bad it might be. ]
I don't want more surprises later.
[ because there will be nothing to prove if it comes down to this again. ]
action;
[ This time he is being honest, not that it had done him much good. ]
Just-- No more of this make a decision and lie about it crap. It's been too long, dude, and that's never worked out for either of us.
[ Sam's done it too, of course, he would never deny that. ]
action;
dean still doesn't know what to do. what to promise, if anything. ]
Right.
[ he's turning away from sam then, can't look at him with the endless amounts of defeat rolling from his brother. his voice drops to a grumble. ]
Can tell you one thing; that angel ever shows his face here, I'm endin' him.
action;
action;
I'm sure we'll-- you'll get them in the end. [ you just have to be around, you know, alive and kicking for that. ]
action;
We both will. It'll just take time. [ Gadreel's smart, and so is Metatron. They'd have to be careful. ] ... Just as long as there aren't any more casualties.
action;
Right, 'course. [ his words don't sound so sure, not when his eyes linger for a second or two on the harsh red skin on the side of sam's face. ]
But listen, if there's nothing else...
[ he'll just escape...pls... ]
action;
[ Meaning he can leave, since, really, nothing is good. Sam considers the floor for a long moment, unsure of how exactly to wrap up this less-than-fun conversation. ]
I'll see you soon, alright?
action;