[ just some murdering asshole getting his hands on cas is enough for dean to want to exclude him, to maybe somehow keep him out of the fire whether it hurts or not.
he's quiet for a long beat after that, not sure how to deal with having his own convictions thrown back at him. it's true, he'd searched every inch of purgatory for cas, refusing to take benny's offer of an exit before the angel had been found. knowing he does end up finding cas had brought with it such relief too, it seems dumb to push cas away now. yet, he can't see another way of doing this.
nothing makes sense in this place-- ]
What do you want me to do? Hold your hand and say we're gonna go get the sucker together? Then maybe skip off into the sunset? It's just not gonna work like that.
[Dean's acting unnecessarily cruel, and Castiel can only assume that's because he's feeling vulnerable after what was done to him. Castiel hopes that Dean didn't scroll back through the logs on the network to find the clips of his own mutilated body.
He can't help but wonder if there's more to it than that, though. If Dean is still upset about what happened during that one event.]
You avoided me, and this happened. If I had been able to keep closer watch over you...
[Castiel sighs heavily.] Dean, how much longer do you intend to push me away? [The talk he'd been promised is long overdue. Maybe if they can sort all of that out, then they can come to an agreement about how to handle Dean's killer.]
I avoided you, it happened, it's over. Ain't nothing gonna change it.
[ and that's that... but being called out on avoiding cas, it brings back their conversation at the resistance meeting-- or rather, the lack of one which was supposed to happen. it's all on dean, that he'd slipped out and never met up with cas like he'd been supposed to. and heck, now he kinda feels bad about it.
sort of.
it's all still so confusing, and dean hates that he hasn't just brushed it aside as some event-induced mistake on cas' part, even though he's tried to. because that's all it was, right. and to be discussing both his death and the kiss in one go-- gotta give a guy a minute here, man. ]
As long as it takes for you to get that-- [ it's almost wrong to do this via voice messages now, but dean can't bring himself to change it. ]
I'm not him, you know.
[ because even dean can put two and two together when he's had enough time to analyze and then analyze again what it all might have meant. ]
[Castiel realizes that they can't change what's already taken place, but he does believe it's gone on long enough and that they need to reconcile in some way to prevent Dean from ending up in more danger.
He won't say that the death wouldn't have happened if he and Dean had been on speaking terms at the time, but it might not have, and that's reason enough to put an end to this.
Before Castiel can say anything else, though, Dean comes out with that statement. I'm not him. Not the Dean from before. As if Castiel hasn't been painfully aware of that this entire time.
It's why their interactions have been so unbalanced. It's why Dean can't understand Castiel's actions from that day. Still, if he could at least be given the chance to explain, maybe they could move on.]
I know you're not. But you're still Dean. [Which means that when it comes down to it, Castiel's feelings are no different. Whatever those may be.]
but it's true, not matter what, they need to be working together again-- be on speaking terms. and the reason they haven't been is on dean, on his own refusal to talk to cas even though the angel had been willing. it has him sighing quietly, a hand passing over his face.
hesitation lingers heavy in the silence from his end of the feed, but finally he gives up. ]
Edge of the forest.
[ he'd been moving a lot, since coming back, since the event ended. restless and anxious, his room has seemed more like another coffin than a place of solitude... that, and he really has been avoiding cas, trying to keep a step ahead of him and anyone else looking for him. but from the sound of things, he's moving again, possibly back towards the mansion. ]
[Castiel usually doesn't have much in the way of patience with this kind of thing, but if he has to exert some in order to get Dean to agree to a real conversation, then so be it.
So he waits that excruciatingly long period of time, until Dean finally caves and hands out his location.
Although Castiel can hear that he's on the move, which means that he might be moving deeper in the forest, or making his way back to the mansion.]
Where should we meet? [Castiel can understand if Dean wants to have this conversation in a more isolated place, where there are no mirrors and no one to overhear.]
I was headin' back. Meet me halfway? [ that way, they will indeed have the isolation from prying ears and eyes, which dean would prefer. he feels-- watched, constantly, these days. but then, being ganked without a warning does that to a guy. at least with cas around he'll feel a little more secure...
...a fact which he hates and denies over and over inside his head. ]
[Castiel hangs up his phone and then takes flight, landing twenty yards out from the woods. He does a slow spin in place and then spots Dean not too far away. While he doesn't hesitate to walk over, there is some awkwardness that comes with seeing Dean again after a long period of evasion.
He's relieved, though, to see him in one piece and looking relatively healthy. Castiel pauses a few feet away from Dean and looks him up and down, but keeps his hands to himself. Personal space -- he's more aware of that now than ever.]
[ cas appears little ways from him and dean wonders if he still has enough time to run. planting his feet firmly to the ground with each step, he instead forces himself to meet cas halfway, right until they're standing some few feet from each other...
it is good to see him, really, something dean's realizing now as he stands here, looking at cas. the angel looks... like he always does, which is comforting in some odd way. ]
Hey.
[ the personal space is appreciated though, gives dean the room to just sigh as he looks at the angel. ]
[The fact that Dean actually walks forward to meet Castiel in the middle is definitely a good sign, but there's no denying that this is still an awkward situation. Castiel places his hands in the pockets of his coat and then looks around over his shoulder, to make certain no one else is lingering nearby.
They're out in the open, it seems like the least they could do is find a place to sit and talk. Without much preamble, Castiel nods in the direction of the ocean and begins to walk. One of the most open conversations they had here took place on the docks, so it seems appropriate.]
How much do you know about what happened here this past Christmas?
[There's plenty for Castiel to explain, but it all started there. He glances sidelong at Dean while he walks.]
[ the prompt pace to move on, to get to the point, has dean following cas without a word at first–- only to raise a brow at the question. he thinks for a moment, but soon enough he offers a simple answer as he falls in line with the angel. ]
You mean with the whole Jabberwocky thing? Shitty future folk showin' up, or something? [ because he knows just about that. what cas has told him, what a few others have mentioned-- things won't be nice if they can't find the shield and sword in time to slay the damn beast.
but that's it, that's all he knows about anything christmas or december related. ]
Right. [Castiel walks at a brisk pace and keeps his gaze directed forward, as right now that's much simpler than letting himself look anywhere near Dean's eyes -- or lips, for that matter.]
You... Dean disappeared from the mansion, and a few days later his future self appeared. [It's a shame that the note Dean had written to himself had vanished, or Castiel would have shown that to Dean as proof. As things stand, his word is going to have to be good enough.]
He was here for a few days, over a week -- and for most of that time, he wanted nothing to do with me.
[Now he's stumbled upon information he'd thought he would keep from Dean this time around, but if he's going to explain himself properly then he needs to tell everything.] As it turns out, it's because I had died, in this future. [Not that he intends on letting that happen again. He knows the circumstances, which means he should be able to avert them. They may not be able to change the past, but they can still change the future.]
[ an event where the present and future collide sounds crazy by all means, and maybe in some anger and frustration -- maybe a month or so ago -- dean would opt to not believe cas, if only to make things easier for himself. but as they are now, here, side by side with castiel explaining things, he knows the angel isn't lying to him.
so dean listens to what's offered, only when cas claims the dean from the future had wanted nothing to do with him does he raise a brow, as it's-- odd, doesn't really add up. and not until cas claims to be dead in this future that they're supposed to prevent does something slight, small click into place.
it sheds a speck of light on it, but not enough for dean to fully understand why his future-self would avoid castiel. ]
So what was his problem? Dude should've been happy right? Hugs and stuff all around.
[ he won't pretend to understand any other version of himself too much, but that's what dean figures any dean would feel when it comes to castiel. ]
[Were Dean truly interested in questioning whether Castiel is telling the truth, there are plenty of others who also lived through that time and would be able to confirm what he's saying.
Thankfully, Dean doesn't argue with him, and that's a nice change from how things have been lately. Either they argue or they don't speak at all. Castiel has no idea if this information will actually help the situation, but he needs to at least put it out there.]
I think because... it was painful to have to see me again, and he knew that I wasn't his version of Castiel. [Castiel can certainly relate to that feeling now, though he keeps that to himself. It's not Dean's fault, and he's never tried to push him away for it. That all came from Dean.]
Right before he disappeared, though, I found him and we spoke.
[The ocean and docks are coming into view, but Castiel suddenly stops in his tracks. He still refuses to look at Dean, and there's something distant in his eyes -- right now he's remembering, not seeing.]
He kissed me. Like it wasn't the first time. [Because it hadn't been. Dean had found something in the future only to lose it again, and so it's no real shock that he'd reacted the way he had to seeing Castiel once more.]
[ you'd think after such a long time of avoiding this, after a fucking kiss of all things, dean would feel a little less awkward when cas gets to the point. but no, it feels intrusive, almost, for him to hear it all, even if by some technicality it's him they're talking about.
he'd kissed cas. apparently that's a thing that happens to a version of him in the future. him and cas.
jesus.
what's surprising though, is that for this cas, it had been a surprise as well-- or that's what dean gets from what the angel tells him. they hadn't been a thing yet, not until some ways into the future, maybe, before cas dies.
right? it's confusing, but dean tries to keep things simple; the point here is that the kiss cas had given him while they'd been eating pie hadn't been entirely due to the event. ]
Well, least now I know you didn't just see me as a giant burger.
[ okay, alright, not the best time. dean clears his throat, trying to force his voice into something more steady, more neutral. ]
Does that mean... you and other-me -- not the, uh, guy from the future -- then ended up... you know...
[It is confusing, considering that there are various different versions of them involved in this drawn-out mess, and not each of them had felt the same things. Or maybe it had more to do with where each version was in the progression of their friendship.
Castiel has no idea if they'll ever end up the way that their future selves supposedly did, especially because that had been the future version of a different Dean. But he's obligated to see to it that Dean's filled in on all of it, at least.
Especially with how he handled things the first time.
That joke actually does cause Castiel to smile for a split second. It might be for the best if Dean takes a moment to lighten the topic here and there.
Castiel starts to walk again, and continues explaining.]
I didn't tell him about it when he returned. I wasn't sure what he would make of it. Then he disappeared, but when he came back for that one weekend, the one that took place when you were already here...
[Finally, Castiel glances over to look at Dean and there's something almost apologetic in his eyes.]
Apparently he'd been thinking about it, because he told me he wasn't going to give up the only chance he'd have. So he kissed me. [It seems like it had finally been Castiel's turn to initiate things in this most recent incident.]
[ if it weren't for the time cas had kissed him, dean would think he's the only one who has it bad for the angel. this future version of himself, and the one who had been here before, they'd both apparently seen something there, something more. and sure, cas is great -- fantastic even -- but it's... it's all still a lot to take in.
still, he has to ask, even as he follows the angel. ]
And you just... [ how should he even begin to put this? ] ... you were just okay with it? That bad end-me pulled one on you, and then other-me, too? You didn't-- I mean, I just thought you'd never...
[ since when does cas even feel that way? he'd never assume something like that, can't see cas wanting it -- him -- despite all they've been through. the kiss in the diner had seemed like some twisted attempt to fool him into something, some form of a trick caused either by the event or some hidden ill-will cas might have held against dean. sure, now it all makes a whole lot more sense, and dean feels something akin to shame for ever having felt so in the first place, yet...
yet it's still so surprising. and oddly upsetting, but for reasons he's not entirely willing to share. ]
[Castiel doesn't blame Dean for asking that. Castiel isn't one to express desire, to admit that he wants things. It's due to a number of reasons, the most prominent being that most of his existence he'd been told that it wasn't right for an angel to want anything.
It's not as if he'd actually put much thought into his friendship with Dean turning into something more, but when the kiss had actually happened, he felt no urge to push Dean away. The desperation in Dean's actions had been palpable, and Castiel had wanted to grant him something he'd lost.
It'd been surprisingly nice.
The second time even more so, given that it had been his Dean and therefore felt more genuine, but even that had been fleeting. It's why the event had left that effect on him -- neither one of those kisses had been definitive, had lasted. They felt like part of a dream, and he'd wanted something more real. The event had simply allowed him to want it.]
It's... it hadn't occurred to me in that way before. I hadn't ever known you held that kind of interest in me, but... it wasn't bad. [Castiel quirks a smile at Dean and shrugs.] You mean a great deal to me, Dean. So is it really so strange? [If kissing someone is a way to show that you care about them, then it makes sense to him that they would do so.]
[ dean wants to huff at the words that come with the smile thrown his way, but the rest of it silences him rather easily. cas has always held him as someone important, a fact of their friendship which has often made dean uncomfortable. he's really not all that special, never has been, yet castiel always claims to see something there...
maybe all the endless adoration and faith thrown at him finally made him soft and mushy for the angel. never say never, and all that other stuff. ]
It's a little strange. But I guess most things about you are.
[ fondness laces the words, something he can never quite help even with the situation being what it is.
but as quickly as the fondness is there, it's gone again. enough for dean to stop walking, falling behind from cas by a few feet or so. this is all... it's clarifying, yet with the confession, with the story he now knows, dean feels just as confused as he did before. he needs time, they both probably know that, but for cas...
he sighs, the sound heavy, then looks at the angel. ]
I'm sorry, Cas. About-- I don't know. Everything. [ these past few months, the silence and anger he's put on the angel since the kiss. and also-- ] It's like I stole something from you. And now I can't-- I'm not him, and... [ and he can't bring him back, can't remember any of it. he's still dean, cas had said so himself, yet he feels like he's come between cas and this other-him somehow. ]
I guess I just... I mean, you deserve to be happy.
[If Dean doesn't mind that Castiel's a bit strange, then he won't let it bother him either. That's a facet of their relationship, the fact that Dean's always managed to put up with the oddities of Castiel's behavior. It's part and parcel of being friends with an angel, of course, but Dean never let himself get so hung up on that fact that it put a barrier between them.
No, it's the arguments and avoidance that tends to do that, although that usually happens because they care too much, rather than too little.
When Castiel realizes Dean's stopped walking, he pauses and turns to face him. They're close to the ocean now, enough that the sea breeze causes both his coat and hair to shift around.
The apology only causes Castiel to tilt his head. Dean can be apologetic about the fact that he's avoided him this past month or so, but beyond that he's got nothing to feel sorry for. He shouldn't feel responsible for the things that Wonderland has done, nor should he feel as if he isn't good enough.]
I realize that the two of you aren't the same, and I also don't expect you to replace him. You're the same, but different. [Castiel isn't asking for anything. That's not what this is about.]
If anyone stole something, it was Wonderland. But Dean, you're just as important to me as you've always been. [He shakes his head.] That much will never change. I wanted to explain my behavior to you. We don't have to speak of it again, if that's what you'd prefer.
[He realizes that it puts Dean in an awkward position. He didn't live through any of those things, he's only heard it second-hand. But at least he'll understand a little better now.]
[ dean nods. he's not entirely convinced, probably won't be for a while, but for now he can trust cas to at least be telling the truth. him accepting it is another matter.
it dawns on him then -- or again, as it has many times before -- how much cas is willing to forgive and forget when it comes to dean and how he treats the angel. most people get fed up with him real quick, but never cas.
but then, this is what having a best friend is all about, right? ]
As long as we don't have to talk 'bout this every day, it's alright. The whole long walks on the beach thing is kinda sappy, too. [ as if dean hadn't sought out the beach on his first wandering night trip in wonderland. he's smiling some by then, even if the next bit is added quietly, hesitantly. ]
You can... you can still talk to me, though. About things. When you feel like it.
[ even these things. no matter how uncomfortable they might end up making dean. ]
[Castiel can tell when Dean's making a joke, and this one is even at his own expense, seeing how the two of them have already engaged in conversation down by the docks.
They're at the edge of the shoreline now, though at this point Castiel's said most of what he needs to. He wouldn't mind walking down the length of the beach, anyway, as the sound of the waves is oddly soothing. There's something orderly and predictable in a tide, something he can find comfort in.
Though Dean's trying his best to make up for his behavior in the past month or so, which Castiel appreciates. These things are not easy for either of them to say.]
I will. [Maybe he won't always want to talk about it, but if he does, at least he knows that Dean is open to it. That alone means a great deal.
Castiel bows his head, eyes fixed on his shoes which are slightly sandy now.] Thank you, Dean.
[ dean feels considerably better. it's quiet right now, somewhere in his chest, but he does, there's lightness where there had been tension before. everything between them has finally be said, so... so things can go back to being normal. even if normal isn't quite the same. but then, when is their normal ever actually normal? ]
Don't sweat it.
[ he shrugs off the thank you with a smile. it's really the least he can do. there's a pause before he nudges cas with his shoulder, voice growing more casual, all the stress gone. ]
Now that this is all cleared up, I need to find one of those meat pies you came up with. Shit was real good.
[ it's like having dinner and desert in one go-- except with room for even more desert after... and it means that despite what had happened between them and that pie, the experience hasn't been ruined. ]
[Everything in Dean's demeanor indicates that all has been forgiven. That small moment of physical contact, the fact that he's still willing to eat one of those meat pies even with the reminder of what happened the first time...
It's a kind of acceptance, and more than Castiel would have expected or asked for.
So the smile that touches at his lips seems to be similarly effortless.]
All you would need to do is return to the dining hall and think of what you want. It should appear.
[Castiel doesn't feel hunger anymore, just like usual, but he wouldn't mind sharing one of those with Dean just because. He doesn't actually suggest it, though, since he doesn't know how it would go over.
Instead, his gaze shifts out to the ocean.] I think I'll take a walk. [He doesn't particularly care if it's "sappy."]
[ the diner's kinda awesome like that, plus it helps that ned works there-- he makes a mean pie, and sometime dean'll have to introduce cas to his goods too, whether the angel eats or not.
for now though, he takes a few steps back towards the mansion, only turning some mid-step as he rolls his eyes at cas... affectionately enough, at least. ]
If you get too much sand in your shoes, you know where to find me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
voice;
[ just some murdering asshole getting his hands on cas is enough for dean to want to exclude him, to maybe somehow keep him out of the fire whether it hurts or not.
he's quiet for a long beat after that, not sure how to deal with having his own convictions thrown back at him. it's true, he'd searched every inch of purgatory for cas, refusing to take benny's offer of an exit before the angel had been found. knowing he does end up finding cas had brought with it such relief too, it seems dumb to push cas away now. yet, he can't see another way of doing this.
nothing makes sense in this place-- ]
What do you want me to do? Hold your hand and say we're gonna go get the sucker together? Then maybe skip off into the sunset? It's just not gonna work like that.
voice;
[Dean's acting unnecessarily cruel, and Castiel can only assume that's because he's feeling vulnerable after what was done to him. Castiel hopes that Dean didn't scroll back through the logs on the network to find the clips of his own mutilated body.
He can't help but wonder if there's more to it than that, though. If Dean is still upset about what happened during that one event.]
You avoided me, and this happened. If I had been able to keep closer watch over you...
[Castiel sighs heavily.] Dean, how much longer do you intend to push me away? [The talk he'd been promised is long overdue. Maybe if they can sort all of that out, then they can come to an agreement about how to handle Dean's killer.]
voice;
[ and that's that... but being called out on avoiding cas, it brings back their conversation at the resistance meeting-- or rather, the lack of one which was supposed to happen. it's all on dean, that he'd slipped out and never met up with cas like he'd been supposed to. and heck, now he kinda feels bad about it.
sort of.
it's all still so confusing, and dean hates that he hasn't just brushed it aside as some event-induced mistake on cas' part, even though he's tried to. because that's all it was, right. and to be discussing both his death and the kiss in one go-- gotta give a guy a minute here, man. ]
As long as it takes for you to get that-- [ it's almost wrong to do this via voice messages now, but dean can't bring himself to change it. ]
I'm not him, you know.
[ because even dean can put two and two together when he's had enough time to analyze and then analyze again what it all might have meant. ]
voice;
He won't say that the death wouldn't have happened if he and Dean had been on speaking terms at the time, but it might not have, and that's reason enough to put an end to this.
Before Castiel can say anything else, though, Dean comes out with that statement. I'm not him. Not the Dean from before. As if Castiel hasn't been painfully aware of that this entire time.
It's why their interactions have been so unbalanced. It's why Dean can't understand Castiel's actions from that day. Still, if he could at least be given the chance to explain, maybe they could move on.]
I know you're not. But you're still Dean. [Which means that when it comes down to it, Castiel's feelings are no different. Whatever those may be.]
... Will you tell me where you are?
voice;
but it's true, not matter what, they need to be working together again-- be on speaking terms. and the reason they haven't been is on dean, on his own refusal to talk to cas even though the angel had been willing. it has him sighing quietly, a hand passing over his face.
hesitation lingers heavy in the silence from his end of the feed, but finally he gives up. ]
Edge of the forest.
[ he'd been moving a lot, since coming back, since the event ended. restless and anxious, his room has seemed more like another coffin than a place of solitude... that, and he really has been avoiding cas, trying to keep a step ahead of him and anyone else looking for him. but from the sound of things, he's moving again, possibly back towards the mansion. ]
voice;
So he waits that excruciatingly long period of time, until Dean finally caves and hands out his location.
Although Castiel can hear that he's on the move, which means that he might be moving deeper in the forest, or making his way back to the mansion.]
Where should we meet? [Castiel can understand if Dean wants to have this conversation in a more isolated place, where there are no mirrors and no one to overhear.]
voice;
I was headin' back. Meet me halfway? [ that way, they will indeed have the isolation from prying ears and eyes, which dean would prefer. he feels-- watched, constantly, these days. but then, being ganked without a warning does that to a guy. at least with cas around he'll feel a little more secure...
...a fact which he hates and denies over and over inside his head. ]
voice → action;
[Castiel hangs up his phone and then takes flight, landing twenty yards out from the woods. He does a slow spin in place and then spots Dean not too far away. While he doesn't hesitate to walk over, there is some awkwardness that comes with seeing Dean again after a long period of evasion.
He's relieved, though, to see him in one piece and looking relatively healthy. Castiel pauses a few feet away from Dean and looks him up and down, but keeps his hands to himself. Personal space -- he's more aware of that now than ever.]
Hello, Dean.
action;
it is good to see him, really, something dean's realizing now as he stands here, looking at cas. the angel looks... like he always does, which is comforting in some odd way. ]
Hey.
[ the personal space is appreciated though, gives dean the room to just sigh as he looks at the angel. ]
So... here we are.
[ yup... ]
action;
They're out in the open, it seems like the least they could do is find a place to sit and talk. Without much preamble, Castiel nods in the direction of the ocean and begins to walk. One of the most open conversations they had here took place on the docks, so it seems appropriate.]
How much do you know about what happened here this past Christmas?
[There's plenty for Castiel to explain, but it all started there. He glances sidelong at Dean while he walks.]
action;
You mean with the whole Jabberwocky thing? Shitty future folk showin' up, or something? [ because he knows just about that. what cas has told him, what a few others have mentioned-- things won't be nice if they can't find the shield and sword in time to slay the damn beast.
but that's it, that's all he knows about anything christmas or december related. ]
action;
You... Dean disappeared from the mansion, and a few days later his future self appeared. [It's a shame that the note Dean had written to himself had vanished, or Castiel would have shown that to Dean as proof. As things stand, his word is going to have to be good enough.]
He was here for a few days, over a week -- and for most of that time, he wanted nothing to do with me.
[Now he's stumbled upon information he'd thought he would keep from Dean this time around, but if he's going to explain himself properly then he needs to tell everything.] As it turns out, it's because I had died, in this future. [Not that he intends on letting that happen again. He knows the circumstances, which means he should be able to avert them. They may not be able to change the past, but they can still change the future.]
action;
so dean listens to what's offered, only when cas claims the dean from the future had wanted nothing to do with him does he raise a brow, as it's-- odd, doesn't really add up. and not until cas claims to be dead in this future that they're supposed to prevent does something slight, small click into place.
it sheds a speck of light on it, but not enough for dean to fully understand why his future-self would avoid castiel. ]
So what was his problem? Dude should've been happy right? Hugs and stuff all around.
[ he won't pretend to understand any other version of himself too much, but that's what dean figures any dean would feel when it comes to castiel. ]
action;
Thankfully, Dean doesn't argue with him, and that's a nice change from how things have been lately. Either they argue or they don't speak at all. Castiel has no idea if this information will actually help the situation, but he needs to at least put it out there.]
I think because... it was painful to have to see me again, and he knew that I wasn't his version of Castiel. [Castiel can certainly relate to that feeling now, though he keeps that to himself. It's not Dean's fault, and he's never tried to push him away for it. That all came from Dean.]
Right before he disappeared, though, I found him and we spoke.
[The ocean and docks are coming into view, but Castiel suddenly stops in his tracks. He still refuses to look at Dean, and there's something distant in his eyes -- right now he's remembering, not seeing.]
He kissed me. Like it wasn't the first time. [Because it hadn't been. Dean had found something in the future only to lose it again, and so it's no real shock that he'd reacted the way he had to seeing Castiel once more.]
action; u get the icon court
he'd kissed cas. apparently that's a thing that happens to a version of him in the future. him and cas.
jesus.
what's surprising though, is that for this cas, it had been a surprise as well-- or that's what dean gets from what the angel tells him. they hadn't been a thing yet, not until some ways into the future, maybe, before cas dies.
right? it's confusing, but dean tries to keep things simple; the point here is that the kiss cas had given him while they'd been eating pie hadn't been entirely due to the event. ]
Well, least now I know you didn't just see me as a giant burger.
[ okay, alright, not the best time. dean clears his throat, trying to force his voice into something more steady, more neutral. ]
Does that mean... you and other-me -- not the, uh, guy from the future -- then ended up... you know...
action; I AM SO PROUD
Castiel has no idea if they'll ever end up the way that their future selves supposedly did, especially because that had been the future version of a different Dean. But he's obligated to see to it that Dean's filled in on all of it, at least.
Especially with how he handled things the first time.
That joke actually does cause Castiel to smile for a split second. It might be for the best if Dean takes a moment to lighten the topic here and there.
Castiel starts to walk again, and continues explaining.]
I didn't tell him about it when he returned. I wasn't sure what he would make of it. Then he disappeared, but when he came back for that one weekend, the one that took place when you were already here...
[Finally, Castiel glances over to look at Dean and there's something almost apologetic in his eyes.]
Apparently he'd been thinking about it, because he told me he wasn't going to give up the only chance he'd have. So he kissed me. [It seems like it had finally been Castiel's turn to initiate things in this most recent incident.]
action;
still, he has to ask, even as he follows the angel. ]
And you just... [ how should he even begin to put this? ] ... you were just okay with it? That bad end-me pulled one on you, and then other-me, too? You didn't-- I mean, I just thought you'd never...
[ since when does cas even feel that way? he'd never assume something like that, can't see cas wanting it -- him -- despite all they've been through. the kiss in the diner had seemed like some twisted attempt to fool him into something, some form of a trick caused either by the event or some hidden ill-will cas might have held against dean. sure, now it all makes a whole lot more sense, and dean feels something akin to shame for ever having felt so in the first place, yet...
yet it's still so surprising. and oddly upsetting, but for reasons he's not entirely willing to share. ]
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It's not as if he'd actually put much thought into his friendship with Dean turning into something more, but when the kiss had actually happened, he felt no urge to push Dean away. The desperation in Dean's actions had been palpable, and Castiel had wanted to grant him something he'd lost.
It'd been surprisingly nice.
The second time even more so, given that it had been his Dean and therefore felt more genuine, but even that had been fleeting. It's why the event had left that effect on him -- neither one of those kisses had been definitive, had lasted. They felt like part of a dream, and he'd wanted something more real. The event had simply allowed him to want it.]
It's... it hadn't occurred to me in that way before. I hadn't ever known you held that kind of interest in me, but... it wasn't bad. [Castiel quirks a smile at Dean and shrugs.] You mean a great deal to me, Dean. So is it really so strange? [If kissing someone is a way to show that you care about them, then it makes sense to him that they would do so.]
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maybe all the endless adoration and faith thrown at him finally made him soft and mushy for the angel. never say never, and all that other stuff. ]
It's a little strange. But I guess most things about you are.
[ fondness laces the words, something he can never quite help even with the situation being what it is.
but as quickly as the fondness is there, it's gone again. enough for dean to stop walking, falling behind from cas by a few feet or so. this is all... it's clarifying, yet with the confession, with the story he now knows, dean feels just as confused as he did before. he needs time, they both probably know that, but for cas...
he sighs, the sound heavy, then looks at the angel. ]
I'm sorry, Cas. About-- I don't know. Everything. [ these past few months, the silence and anger he's put on the angel since the kiss. and also-- ] It's like I stole something from you. And now I can't-- I'm not him, and... [ and he can't bring him back, can't remember any of it. he's still dean, cas had said so himself, yet he feels like he's come between cas and this other-him somehow. ]
I guess I just... I mean, you deserve to be happy.
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No, it's the arguments and avoidance that tends to do that, although that usually happens because they care too much, rather than too little.
When Castiel realizes Dean's stopped walking, he pauses and turns to face him. They're close to the ocean now, enough that the sea breeze causes both his coat and hair to shift around.
The apology only causes Castiel to tilt his head. Dean can be apologetic about the fact that he's avoided him this past month or so, but beyond that he's got nothing to feel sorry for. He shouldn't feel responsible for the things that Wonderland has done, nor should he feel as if he isn't good enough.]
I realize that the two of you aren't the same, and I also don't expect you to replace him. You're the same, but different. [Castiel isn't asking for anything. That's not what this is about.]
If anyone stole something, it was Wonderland. But Dean, you're just as important to me as you've always been. [He shakes his head.] That much will never change. I wanted to explain my behavior to you. We don't have to speak of it again, if that's what you'd prefer.
[He realizes that it puts Dean in an awkward position. He didn't live through any of those things, he's only heard it second-hand. But at least he'll understand a little better now.]
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it dawns on him then -- or again, as it has many times before -- how much cas is willing to forgive and forget when it comes to dean and how he treats the angel. most people get fed up with him real quick, but never cas.
but then, this is what having a best friend is all about, right? ]
As long as we don't have to talk 'bout this every day, it's alright. The whole long walks on the beach thing is kinda sappy, too. [ as if dean hadn't sought out the beach on his first wandering night trip in wonderland. he's smiling some by then, even if the next bit is added quietly, hesitantly. ]
You can... you can still talk to me, though. About things. When you feel like it.
[ even these things. no matter how uncomfortable they might end up making dean. ]
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They're at the edge of the shoreline now, though at this point Castiel's said most of what he needs to. He wouldn't mind walking down the length of the beach, anyway, as the sound of the waves is oddly soothing. There's something orderly and predictable in a tide, something he can find comfort in.
Though Dean's trying his best to make up for his behavior in the past month or so, which Castiel appreciates. These things are not easy for either of them to say.]
I will. [Maybe he won't always want to talk about it, but if he does, at least he knows that Dean is open to it. That alone means a great deal.
Castiel bows his head, eyes fixed on his shoes which are slightly sandy now.] Thank you, Dean.
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Don't sweat it.
[ he shrugs off the thank you with a smile. it's really the least he can do. there's a pause before he nudges cas with his shoulder, voice growing more casual, all the stress gone. ]
Now that this is all cleared up, I need to find one of those meat pies you came up with. Shit was real good.
[ it's like having dinner and desert in one go-- except with room for even more desert after... and it means that despite what had happened between them and that pie, the experience hasn't been ruined. ]
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It's a kind of acceptance, and more than Castiel would have expected or asked for.
So the smile that touches at his lips seems to be similarly effortless.]
All you would need to do is return to the dining hall and think of what you want. It should appear.
[Castiel doesn't feel hunger anymore, just like usual, but he wouldn't mind sharing one of those with Dean just because. He doesn't actually suggest it, though, since he doesn't know how it would go over.
Instead, his gaze shifts out to the ocean.] I think I'll take a walk. [He doesn't particularly care if it's "sappy."]
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[ the diner's kinda awesome like that, plus it helps that ned works there-- he makes a mean pie, and sometime dean'll have to introduce cas to his goods too, whether the angel eats or not.
for now though, he takes a few steps back towards the mansion, only turning some mid-step as he rolls his eyes at cas... affectionately enough, at least. ]
If you get too much sand in your shoes, you know where to find me.
[ waving his friend bye, dean heads off. ]